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Post by Naitch on Mar 16, 2010 12:49:17 GMT -5
In 11 days I hit the big stage again. Really, just to try to steal Champ's thunder. The only difference Champ will be in front of more then 20 people. And in front of more then 5 paying attention. (Seriously, more then 20 people better show up, the money is going to a great cause.) Anyways check out my new material.
The when are you going to meet a nice girl joke
My parents ask me all the time when I'm going to meet a nice girl and marry her. That conversation is always awkward and my wife won't talk to me for a week.
The Kim Kardashian joke
That Kim Kardashian is one hot piece of ass. I want to fuck her like shes a POW in Nam and I'm Jane Fonda.
The how Lost will end joke
It seems like the writers of Lost have really just been fucking with us since the fall of 04. They keep promising us answers and instead of answering most of them they just give us more questions. It feels like at the series finale this May that we'll just have a bitter break up. This is how I think they'll handle the break up.
With 5 minutes left reserved for our DVRs to record this last ep we'll see John Locke sitting at a camp fire promising to answer the questions we've had in our brains for so long. And right before he answers he rips off his face Scooby Doo style and its that goddamn Ashton Kutcher. And he starts screaming like a fag about how he Punk'd America for six years. Then they start showing cast interviews that will go something like.
Sawyer: I can't even eat at a restaurant with sixty of these Lost watching fags bothering me for an autograph.
Locke: Thank god for this show. Now I can go back to movies.
Hurley: With all the money I made off this show I'm never going to die of starvation!
Jin: You assholes know I can speak English, right? And stop bowing every time you see me at a Wal Mart.
Sayid: I've never been to Iraq, stop yelling bomb everytime you see my in public.
Jack: I'm not even a real doctor. I don't want to help your stupid daughter give birth and I can't fix your stupid crippled spine.
Kate: I'm not even a real actress!
Or we can just see a retarded kid look at a snow globe. Either way, no one is leaving happy.
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Post by Velkontés on Mar 16, 2010 13:32:43 GMT -5
The when are you going to meet a nice girl jokeMy parents ask me all the time when I'm going to meet a nice girl and marry her. That conversation is always awkward and my wife won't talk to me for a week. That's pretty good!
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Post by Champ on Mar 16, 2010 14:16:33 GMT -5
Rodney Dangerfield had to have influenced that joke! Don't take that as an insult. I can't imagine any comedian not having Rodney influences in their standup. That's funny though!
Jane Fonda made that joke lol
Haha! nice!
I couldn't stop LOLing at people "bowing to him in Walmart"
I wouldn't be surprised!
I like the material a lot! The LOST stuff is very creative and you can carry that bit out for a couple of minutes. I think it really comes down to your delivery now, which obviously, none of us can judge yet. I think you'll do well!
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Post by Naitch on Mar 16, 2010 15:53:53 GMT -5
Thanks guys! I'm going to hopefully have this taped. Then I'll youtube it so any interested people here can see it. I'm relying on some older material to get me through about six minutes but I actually feel this is the best stuff I've ever written. Apparently I'm only good for three new jokes every four years.
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Post by MasterSnit on Mar 16, 2010 17:06:51 GMT -5
The first one is funny. I don't get the second one. And I can't read the third one because it is about Lost.
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Post by Snitskyman2016 on Mar 16, 2010 19:52:33 GMT -5
Thats good stuff. Can you work in the one about Ill kick your ass cuz I am willy wonka and your in my chocolate factory.
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Post by Champ on Mar 17, 2010 12:13:39 GMT -5
The first one is funny. I don't get the second one. Jane Fonda was a liberal feminist activist during the Vietnam war. She totally opposed the war and turned her back on American soldiers. The b1tch greeted several American POWs. They were considered "MIA" because of their capture. So to identify themselves, they handed over their social security numbers to Jane Fonda. She turned around and handed the social security numbers to a North Vietnamese commanding officer. So they beat down the POWs, killing 3 of them. This was all because the whore ratted them out for trying to get identified and rescued. She can go fuck a steel spike
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Post by Naitch on Mar 17, 2010 14:20:25 GMT -5
MS, you can read the third one. I give away absolutely nothing from any season. I go from talking about the show for a couple sentences and jump into my imagination for the rest of it.
Champ, you know your history bro! The Jane Fonda joke is a what I call a 5%er joke. As in 5% will get it but the comedian thinks its funny and tells it anyways.
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Post by Naitch on Mar 17, 2010 14:24:38 GMT -5
Thats good stuff. Can you work in the one about Ill kick your ass cuz I am willy wonka and your in my chocolate factory. If I get a heckler sure. But I think people would frown on me stealing Rob Zombies line and just making it a joke.
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Post by Naitch on Mar 18, 2010 18:12:47 GMT -5
I got three new jokes being birthed right now. They aren't ready for outside of my head yet (because its just an idea and not a joke right now).
One is about Super Mario being the biggest douche nozzle ever.
The second is about my asshole dog.
The third is about how much I loathe texting and twitter.
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Post by Naitch on Mar 18, 2010 18:16:22 GMT -5
The first one is funny. I don't get the second one. Jane Fonda was a liberal feminist activist during the Vietnam war. She totally opposed the war and turned her back on American soldiers. The b1tch greeted several American POWs. They were considered "MIA" because of their capture. So to identify themselves, they handed over their social security numbers to Jane Fonda. She turned around and handed the social security numbers to a North Vietnamese commanding officer. So they beat down the POWs, killing 3 of them. This was all because the whore ratted them out for trying to get identified and rescued. She can go fuck a steel spike Champ, about 4 and half years ago I met one of those POWs. If you ever get a chance to hear they're stories in person they are fascinating. The what they went through and how they overcame and how they communicated. How they fucked with Vietnamese back. I almost cried the stories were so powerful.
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Post by Snitskyman2016 on Mar 18, 2010 21:18:38 GMT -5
I think the Lost joke needs some work Naitch.
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Post by Naitch on Mar 19, 2010 0:43:02 GMT -5
I think the Lost joke needs some work Naitch. Thats the written version. The spoken version has different wording and some body movements and a lot of yelling. All the longer jokes I've written are in a constant state of evaluation. With all that said, I agree with you.
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Post by Champ on Mar 19, 2010 15:40:08 GMT -5
I can't take all the credit dude. I knew half the story and I had to go to wiki to brush up on it. But I still knew Jane Fonda's a piece of shit who fucked POWs so I guess I'm one of the 5% lol
Naitch, when you do the LOST joke, do you have any special movments or delivery for the Jin/Walmart part, like pretending your a customer bowing to Jin? Do you also do a super proper English voice to imitate Jin or anything like that? Just curious on how it's done
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Post by Naitch on Mar 19, 2010 16:14:39 GMT -5
Its an angry delivery. Like hes yelling at the camera and there is a bow that is very mocking. The Lost actors have to be fed up with the fans bothering them so the last scene is just them blowing off steam and yelling at us instead of answering lingering questions. And thats what makes it funny. Were all expecting answers but instead we get lectured. I had a teacher in english that used to think I would be a professional comedian for a living so when his class ran a little short he used to make me go in front of the class and tell Helen Keller jokes. He would tell the rest of the class about how I utilized my arms and voice. According to him I'm a natural. But coming up with material like the pros do is hard. They have hours and hours of new shit every year. I've got like 45 minutes total.
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