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Post by Champ on Jun 13, 2010 18:16:45 GMT -5
If it makes you feel better I fuck up EVERY time I go on stage. Once you start performing any kind of entertainment you get caught up in the performance and delivery and it definitely causes you to stumble.
I noticed the best musicians on stage have NO charisma. People would rather see guys like you and me that show attitude on a stage than doing a perfect show with robotic delivery.
My guitarist rarely fucks up on stage(he has timing issues in general but never forgets his parts) meanwhile my drummer, Singer and I get the most compliments because we're right in your face.
I know it's not the same as standup but shit, entertainment is entertainment and to capture a crowd you have to be, well.....entertaining! lol
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Post by Naitch on Jun 22, 2010 16:54:48 GMT -5
My sister is better then me joke
My whole life my parent's have been telling mem why can't you be more like your sister? Get A's, get a college degree, work at a law firm? I knew I had to outdo her at something. And I did. I did something that b!tch will never outdo. I took four dicks at the same time. Who's the under achiever now, Dad?
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Post by Naitch on Jun 22, 2010 17:02:47 GMT -5
Fun comedy story 1
On the 25th of May I moved into my new house. I had woken up at 1 in the morning out of nerves. Lets move on to the next paragraph now.
So on the 25th of May myself and another comedian were on the radio debating with the audience the importance of manners. Every time someone would call in we overdid the pleases and thank yous just to make ourselves laugh. So being very completely and utterly exhausted I fell asleep. On live radio. The DJs side kick (also a stand up comedian) woke me up and on live radio I say "Please fuck off faggit. Thank you." and fall back asleep. I didn't know they woke me up until they threw a pitch of water on my head. So the point of all that? The FCC never pays attention to the radio or someone is really on top of the beeps.
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Post by Champ on Jun 24, 2010 11:39:32 GMT -5
The ending to the sister joke is great! Especially since you directed it towards "Dad"
I would love to hear a "fuck off faggit" on the radio
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Post by Naitch on Jun 24, 2010 16:27:49 GMT -5
I would love to hear a "fuck off faggit" on the radio I think by the time I said that and the time it aired there was a difference of something like twenty minutes. That station gets a lot of callers who say F words.
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Post by Champ on Jun 25, 2010 13:14:46 GMT -5
oh so they have more than enough time to edit then. It would be great to hear it slip every once in a blue
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Post by Naitch on Jul 9, 2010 14:42:25 GMT -5
I have a lot to post here. New jokes and new hope for the future.
New Jokes first.
My wife is divorcing me/how I like my men/my new opener
I'm not going to front with you guys. I'm married. Sorry ladies, but this piece of prime beef is off the market. Thats not for true for long though. My wife and my boyfriend don't get along at all. They made me choose so I chose James over the broad. Dicks before chicks yo. But I can't be mad at her for her poor decisions. Because shes handling this divorce in a real classy manner. She told me over face book with a sparkly picture and everything. She makes Rob Reiner look like Rob Schneider with all the class oozing out of her. Probably out of her pussy area.
Time to be a little more truthful. James also dumped me. Because his gay husband found out about me. What a fag. Did he handle the break up as good as she did? No! Wanna hear how Queer Street broke up with the Man Flower? He spit my own cum in my face and then in his faggy voice said "AHHHHH MY HEART" and has pretended to be dead on my living room floor for three weeks now. If hes not out in another three I'm calling the cops for trespassing.
Now I know some you gayer men in here are all like "John what do I have to do to get your gigantic 5" dick right in my yapper?" First of all, we are not on a first name basis. Learn my last name and throw a Mr. on front of it and get back to me. You fagots get really pretentious sometimes. Also, I've earned the right to be a little picky now. So you have to meet my criteria. I like my men like I like my weather. In the late 80s.
Fun note: This joke almost made my dad disown me
At the zoo with my Mom, the Health Teacher
I grew up the son of a health teacher. Its like being a Preacher's son except whenever we leave the house we just say words like Cock and Pussy and Titty Fuck a lot instead of Penis and Vagina and Breast Sex. So you imagine my dismay when we are the zoo last weekend and twat had the gall to right in front of me say "LOOK JOHN A PEACOCK!" like I'm four. So I punched right in the mouth and said "Hey Cunt, theres kids around, so call it a UrinePenis like God intended."
I feel tired of typing so here is my big news part of everything. Last night I opened for Brian Posehn. He thought my set was so raunchy and so funny. He had taped the sets and is sending in my part of the tape to someone in LA. Is this big news? Only if he remembers and only if that person likes me. If its not, I can always say I opened for this fucker.
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Post by MasterSnit on Jul 9, 2010 15:19:31 GMT -5
Those are pretty funny, Naitch. If the delivery is good those should go down really well.
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Post by Naitch on Jul 9, 2010 17:21:34 GMT -5
Those are pretty funny, Naitch. If the delivery is good those should go down really well. Thanks man. I tried them both out recently and they both got really good reactions. And depending if a certain comedian is around the beginning of the boyfriend joke gets altered. And then I have a girlfriend who hates my boyfriend and my wife in the audience. I think stand up is actually really making sense now to me. Like I thought I knew it but now I realize I didn't know shit about it.
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Post by Champ on Jul 11, 2010 2:26:05 GMT -5
Brian Posehn is a great act to open up for! I think he's funny! He was on one or two of the Comedy Central Roasts. He's a big fuck too. One of his standups he said he's 6'7.
Those jokes are awesome! I'll tell you one reason why. You went into territory that 95% of local comdedians are afraid to go into. One thing I learned from Ozzy Osbourne that pertains to any form of entertainment when you're still working locally is,
go for it ALL
ALWAYS take risks
You have NOTHING to lose
When I read those jokes, I thought someone has to pick that up just because of the balls and the intelligence combined.
Excellent job dude!
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Post by Naitch on Jul 11, 2010 18:52:39 GMT -5
Brian Posehn is a great act to open up for! I think he's funny! He was on one or two of the Comedy Central Roasts. He's a big fuck too. One of his standups he said he's 6'7. Those jokes are awesome! I'll tell you one reason why. You went into territory that 95% of local comdedians are afraid to go into. One thing I learned from Ozzy Osbourne that pertains to any form of entertainment when you're still working locally is, go for it ALL ALWAYS take risks You have NOTHING to lose When I read those jokes, I thought someone has to pick that up just because of the balls and the intelligence combined. Excellent job dude! Thanks Champ! Those words meant a lot. I do try to find that fine line of ballsy jokes without trying to go into being a retarded Andrew Dice Clay. Its also where I feel most comfterable with my jokes. When I make 4/5 laugh and 1/5 squeem a little. I got a gig last night at a Casino because some other act (I think a magician but I could be wrong) bailed on them. So we drove up to Black Hawk and I got paid $400 up front (Later that night I would find out a cover band also got paid $400 at a different casino and forced to split in five ways.) So I ask the dude in charge of Entertainment how clean I had to work (because I'm trying to act like a pro) and I was told I should be fine. I knew at that point he had never heard me. But he paid me up front so I don't really care how he feels. Getting kicked out of the casino is really best case scenario for me. I get on stage to do an hour set and immediately notice this is not my audience. Its a lot of old people and like 3 are paying attention. Then I start saying words like fag and the entertainment manager starts yelling at me. I started treating him like a heckler by telling him I didn't pay to hear him. He actually steals the mic away and apologizes to the audience and I get the shortest paid gig in comic history. He tried to yell at me but I reminded him he was the guy not smart enough to check out my material before calling me. On my anniversary. That $400 bought some real nice steaks though!
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Post by Velkontés on Jul 12, 2010 11:53:08 GMT -5
I started treating him like a heckler by telling him I didn't pay to hear him. He actually steals the mic away and apologizes to the audience and I get the shortest paid gig in comic history. He tried to yell at me but I reminded him he was the guy not smart enough to check out my material before calling me. On my anniversary. That $400 bought some real nice steaks though! LOL that is all
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Post by MasterSnit on Jul 12, 2010 15:31:45 GMT -5
Naitch, that story will be an excellent addition to any routine. "Let me tell you about the time I was making $400 a minute..."
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Post by Naitch on Jul 13, 2010 21:32:50 GMT -5
The George joke pretty much inspired by Champ
I'm glad George Steinbrenner is dead and let me tell you why. Billy Martin needs all the help he can get managing that little league team down in Hell.
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Post by Champ on Jul 15, 2010 22:47:04 GMT -5
That's your opener! Plus it's SO recent so it'll go over well
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